A Dad's Guide to Baby Naming: How to Actually Be Helpful (Not Just Veto Everything)
A Dad's Guide to Baby Naming: How to Actually Be Helpful (Not Just Veto Everything)
The Name Wars
My wife handed me a list of 67 baby names when she was four months pregnant. I looked at it for approximately 45 seconds before saying, 'These are all terrible.' She didn't speak to me for the rest of the evening.
Looking back, I can see where I went wrong. Not with my opinion—frankly, several of those names were objectively terrible. But with my delivery. With my approach. With my fundamental misunderstanding of what my role in this process should be.
Here's what I've learned, three kids later: dads who approach baby naming like a negotiation to be won end up losing. Not the name battle necessarily, but something more important—the chance to actually participate in one of the first major decisions of parenthood. The chance to have this be something you do together, not against each other.
This guide is for dads who want to be genuinely helpful in the naming process. Not helpful in the way that means 'I vetoed everything until she gave up.' Actually helpful. Contributively helpful. Partner-in-this-crazy-adventure helpful.
Let's start with what not to do—because I did all of it.
The Common Dad Mistakes
Learn from my failures. All of these are real things I did.
The Instant Veto
'No.' That's it. That's the whole response. Your partner suggests Juniper, and you say 'No' without explanation, without alternative, without anything constructive whatsoever. This is not feedback. This is obstruction. Even if Juniper is terrible (it's not, but hypothetically), you need to do better than 'No.'
The Mock and Dismiss
'Sebastian? What, are we naming a crab?' Hilarious. You're very funny. Your partner, who has been thinking about this name for weeks, maybe dreaming about whispering it to a newborn, is now hurt and defensive. Congratulations on your comedy career.
The Silent Treatment
She brings up names. You grunt noncommittally. She interprets this as rejection. You interpret her frustration as oversensitivity. Neither of you are communicating. This continues for months until someone snaps.
The Impossible Standard
'I'll know it when I hear it.' Cool. Except you've heard 200 names and known precisely none of them. At some point, your partner will conclude that you're not actually participating—you're just waiting for her to stumble onto the magic name that exists only in your head.
The Nuclear Option
'Fine, name him whatever you want, I don't care.' Oh, you care. You'll definitely care when the birth certificate says something you hate. But now you've surrendered your voice entirely, and you'll resent it forever.
How to Give Useful Feedback
Vetoing is easy. Being constructive is harder—and more valuable.
Explain Why, Not Just No
Instead of: 'I don't like Sebastian.'
Try: 'Sebastian feels too formal for our casual family. I'm imagining calling him at the park, and it feels awkward in my mouth.'
This gives your partner actual information. Maybe she can address your concern (Seb as a nickname!). Maybe she'll realize she has the same concern. Either way, you've advanced the conversation.
Offer Alternatives
If you reject Oliver, suggest something in the same category: 'What about Owen? Same classic English vibe, but shorter.' This shows you're engaged, not just blocking. It also helps your partner understand your taste.
Rate Don't Just Reject
Create a system. 1-10 scale. 'Love,' 'Like,' 'Meh,' 'No.' This gives nuanced feedback. A name that gets 'Meh' from both of you is different from one that gets 'Love' from her and 'No' from you. The first might grow on you both; the second is a conflict to resolve.
Ask Questions First
'What draws you to this name?' Before you respond to Harrison, find out why she likes it. Maybe it's a family name you didn't know about. Maybe it sounds like someone who hurt her in high school (so you're the hero for vetoing it). Context matters.
Sleep On It
Your first reaction isn't always right. A name that sounds weird initially might grow on you. Give yourself 24 hours before delivering final verdicts. 'Let me sit with that' is a perfectly valid response.
Building Your Own List
Don't just react to her names. Bring your own.
Actually Do the Work
Spend real time on baby name websites. Not five minutes—an hour. Multiple hours. Write down everything that catches your attention. If you can't produce at least 15-20 names you genuinely like, you haven't tried hard enough.
Think About Different Categories
Classic names (William, Elizabeth). Modern names (Mason, Harper). Nature names (River, Sage). Family names. Cultural names. Don't just pick from one category—explore widely. You might surprise yourself.
Consider the Full Name
First name + middle name + last name. Say it out loud. Does it flow? Are the initials unfortunate? (No one wants to be ASS or SOB.) Does it work with potential siblings?
Imagine Real Life
Picture calling this name at a playground. In a job interview. At their wedding. Does it work at every life stage? 'Baby Finn' is cute; does 'CEO Finn' work too?
Research Meanings and Origins
Names carry weight beyond their sound. Know what you're proposing. If you suggest Mallory ('unlucky'), be prepared to defend it. If you love Felix ('lucky'), that's a selling point.
The Art of Compromise
Unless you're both lucky enough to have the same top choice, compromise is coming.
The Middle Name Trade
She picks the first name, you pick the middle—or vice versa. This only works if you both accept that you're getting half, not grudgingly accepting crumbs. Both names matter; both parents get meaningful input.
The Category Compromise
You want traditional, she wants modern. Find names that split the difference: Classic names with modern nicknames (Theodore→Theo). Vintage names making a comeback (Hazel, Jasper). Names that feel timeless rather than trendy or dated.
The Veto Limit
Each parent gets 5-10 absolute vetoes. These are the 'I will never agree to this' names—the ones that remind you of childhood bullies, ex-partners, or genuine hatred. Outside those vetoes, everything is negotiable. This prevents infinite blocking.
The Cooling Off Period
Put your final disagreement aside for two weeks. Don't discuss it. Let names settle. Often, time creates clarity—you realize you can live with her choice, or she realizes the same about yours.
The Fresh Start
Throw out all existing lists. Start over together, generating new options neither of you considered before. Sometimes the breakthrough name is one neither of you would have found alone.
When to Fight for a Name
Some battles are worth having. Here's when to dig in.
Family Honor Names
If naming your child after your late father is genuinely important to you—not just a preference but a deep emotional need—say so clearly. 'This matters to me in a way most names don't. Can we talk about how to honor him?' Your partner should take this seriously.
Cultural Identity
If your heritage is important and you want a name that reflects it, advocate strongly. Passing on cultural identity through names is meaningful. This isn't arbitrary preference—it's connection to ancestry.
Deal-Breaker Associations
If a name genuinely triggers you—it's your ex's name, your bully's name, a trauma association—be honest about that. 'I know it's irrational, but I can't separate this name from [painful thing].' Most partners will respect genuine emotional blocks.
When to Let Go
Some battles aren't worth winning. Here's when to surrender gracefully.
Popularity Concerns
You don't want another Liam in the class. But your partner loves Liam. Consider: does popularity actually matter? Your Liam will be the only one in your house, the only one who matters to you. Maybe popularity isn't the hill to die on.
Arbitrary Preferences
'I just don't like how it sounds.' Okay, but do you have anything more substantial? If your objection is purely aesthetic and her connection is deeply meaningful, consider whether your preference should outweigh her passion.
The 'I'll Get Used to It' Names
Some names grow on you. I hated my son's name for the first month after we decided. Now I can't imagine him as anything else. If your objection is mild discomfort rather than genuine opposition, it might fade.
When You're Outnumbered
If your partner, both grandmothers, and everyone else loves the name, maybe reconsider your position. Not because majority rules, but because unanimous opposition to your choice might indicate something worth examining.
Frequently Asked Questions
Q1: What if I genuinely hate her absolute favorite name?
Be honest but kind. 'I can see why you love it, but I have a strong negative reaction that I can't shake.' Then work together on why. Maybe her attachment is to the meaning (which another name could provide). Maybe your reaction is to a specific association (which might fade). Don't lie and say you love it—you'll resent saying it for 18+ years.
Q2: She has way more opinions than me. How do I contribute?
Do the homework. Spend actual time on name research. Generate your own list. Even if your list isn't as long, having genuine preferences shows engagement. Also: listening counts as contribution. Asking good questions counts. Being a thoughtful sounding board counts.
Q3: What if we genuinely cannot agree?
Consider professional help—no, really. Some couples' counselors specialize in helping with exactly these conflicts. Or try structured processes: each parent writes their top 10, see if there's overlap. Take a break and revisit later. As a last resort, some couples let one parent name the first child, the other names the second.
Q4: Should the birth parent get more say?
This is personal. Some couples feel that carrying/delivering the baby earns naming priority. Others believe it should be equal. Discuss this explicitly rather than assuming. If your partner feels strongly that birth parent should decide, and you agreed to the pregnancy assuming you'd have equal say, that's a conversation to have—gently, before the baby arrives.
Q5: My partner wants a name I'm embarrassed by. What do I do?
Examine your embarrassment. Is it about the name, or about what others will think? If it's purely social pressure, maybe that's not a great reason to veto. If the name genuinely makes you uncomfortable, explain specifically why. 'I'm worried people will make fun of him' is a valid concern to discuss together.
The Name You'll Love
My oldest is named something my wife suggested on that original list of 67. A name I initially dismissed as 'too weird.' A name that grew on me over the following months as we discussed it, debated it, and let it settle.
I love his name now. I can't imagine him being called anything else. When I hear it, I hear my son—not the weird name I vetoed too quickly, but the perfect name for this perfect kid.
That's the thing about baby naming: the name becomes the child. Whatever you choose, it will be right because it will be theirs. Your job isn't to find the objectively perfect name—it doesn't exist. Your job is to find a name you can both say with love, for the rest of your lives.
Be helpful in that search. Be a partner, not an obstacle. Be someone who contributes rather than just vetoes. The name will be better for it, and so will your relationship.
Find names you both love on SoulSeed—where partnerships are built, one name at a time.
