Partner's Pregnancy Guide: How to Be Actually Helpful (Not Just Present)
Partner's Pregnancy Guide: How to Be Actually Helpful (Not Just Present)
My partner once said, "Let me know if you need anything." I needed 47 things. I didn't have the energy to explain any of them. This guide is for partners who want to help without having to be asked.
Being a supportive partner during pregnancy isn't about grand gestures. It's about noticing. Anticipating. Showing up in small, consistent ways that say, "I see what you're going through, and I'm here."
Here's what actually helps—and what doesn't—from people who've been through it.
First Trimester: Stealth Support Mode
The first trimester is often the hardest and the most invisible. She may not look pregnant yet, but she feels like garbage.
What She's Experiencing:
- Bone-crushing exhaustion (growing a placenta is work)
- Nausea that may last all day, not just mornings
- Food aversions (things she loved now make her gag)
- Heightened sense of smell (everything is too strong)
- Hormonal mood swings
- Anxiety about miscarriage (most common in first trimester)
- Not being able to tell anyone yet, so carrying this alone
How to Actually Help:
- Take over cooking: Strong food smells are often unbearable. Cook when she's in another room, or get takeout.
- Stock ginger and saltines: Without being asked. Just have them available.
- Handle smelly tasks: Garbage. Cat litter. That thing in the back of the fridge.
- Protect her rest: She may need 10-12 hours of sleep. This isn't lazy; it's biological.
- Don't announce the pregnancy before she's ready: Let her lead on who knows and when.
- Acknowledge the invisible work: "I know you feel terrible even though it doesn't show yet. That's real."
Second Trimester: The Honeymoon Phase (Usually)
Often the "easiest" trimester. Nausea usually fades. Energy may return. The baby becomes real to others now.
How to Help:
- Go to appointments: Ultrasounds, OB visits. Your presence matters.
- Help research: Pediatricians, daycares, car seats. Don't leave it all to her.
- Start nesting together: Painting the nursery, building furniture, organizing baby stuff.
- Plan a babymoon: A trip while traveling is still comfortable. Doesn't have to be fancy.
- Talk about parenting: How will you handle sleep? Discipline? Division of labor? Start discussing now.
- Compliment her changing body: Authentically. She's navigating major physical changes.
The Anatomy Scan (Around Week 20):
This is a big appointment—they check all the baby's organs and often can tell the sex. Make sure you're there. It's one of the most memorable moments of pregnancy.
Third Trimester: Maximum Support Mode
She's uncomfortable, exhausted, anxious, and done. Everything is harder now.
What She's Dealing With:
- Can't sleep comfortably
- Heartburn, back pain, swelling
- Frequent bathroom trips
- Anxiety about labor and delivery
- Nesting urge (may need to organize everything NOW)
- Feeling huge and ungainly
How to Actually Help:
- Tie her shoes: She can't reach. Just do it.
- Give foot and back massages: Without being asked. Regularly.
- Handle the heavy lifting: Groceries, laundry, anything physical.
- Install the car seat: BEFORE the baby comes. Learn how to use it.
- Pack your hospital bag: She's packing hers. Pack yours without being reminded.
- Prep food: Stock the freezer with meals for postpartum. Do this NOW.
- Know the birth plan: Read it. Understand it. Be ready to advocate for her wishes.
- Learn the signs of labor: You might be the one timing contractions and driving.
What NOT to Do
| Don't Say | Why It's Problematic | Try Instead |
|---|---|---|
| "Are you sure you should eat that?" | She knows. She's researched. Trust her. | "Want me to grab you anything while I'm up?" |
| "You're being emotional." | Dismissive. Hormones are real AND her feelings are valid. | "That sounds really hard. I'm here." |
| "My mom says..." | Her pregnancy, her choices. She'll ask if she wants input. | Just... don't involve your mom unsolicited. |
| "You're not that big." | Sounds like "you're overreacting." She feels huge. | "Your body is doing amazing things." |
| "We're pregnant!" | No. She's pregnant. You're expecting. | "We're having a baby!" |
The Mental Load (Start Sharing It Now)
The mental load—remembering everything, tracking appointments, researching products, anticipating needs—often falls on the pregnant person. Start sharing it now.
Things You Can Own:
- Researching and installing the car seat
- Finding a pediatrician (call, interview, schedule first appointment)
- Managing one aspect of the nursery
- Stocking the postpartum supplies
- Setting up childcare research
- Handling hospital pre-registration
Don't just "help with" these—own them completely so she doesn't have to remind you.
Preparing for Labor
- Take a childbirth class together: You'll learn how to support her during labor.
- Know her birth preferences: Epidural or not? Who's in the room? What if things change?
- Practice comfort measures: Hip squeezes, counter-pressure, breathing together.
- Know the route to the hospital: At 2am. With construction. Have a backup route.
- Pack snacks for yourself: You need to stay fueled to support her.
- Be ready to advocate: If she can't speak for herself, you speak for her.
The Bottom Line
Remember This:
You can't experience pregnancy for her. But you can make it easier. You can notice what needs to be done and do it. You can listen without fixing. You can show up, consistently, in ways that say, "I'm in this with you."
The best partners don't wait to be asked. They see what's needed and step up. Start now—because that's also what parenting looks like.
