The Tech Worker's Guide to Baby Naming: From Variable Names to Human Names
The Tech Worker's Guide to Baby Naming: From Variable Names to Human Names
Naming Is What I Do
I've been naming things professionally for fifteen years. Variables, functions, classes, products, features—I've named them all. I've had heated code review debates about whether 'userData' or 'userInfo' is more appropriate. I've rejected pull requests over inconsistent naming conventions. I am, by any measure, an expert namer.
Then my wife got pregnant, and I discovered that naming a human is nothing like naming a function. The stakes are higher, the requirements are vaguer, and nobody will accept 'TODO: rename this later' as a placeholder.
This guide is for tech workers approaching baby naming with programmer brains. Some of our analytical instincts help. Others actively hurt. Here's how to leverage your naming experience while avoiding the pitfalls of treating your child like a badly scoped variable.
The Programmer's Naming Dilemma
Our naming strengths and weaknesses.
What We're Good At
Pattern recognition: We see naming trends, notice popularity curves, identify what's rising and falling. This helps avoid dated names.
Systematic thinking: We can create evaluation criteria and assess names consistently. No emotional whiplash between options.
Research: We know how to gather data. Name meaning databases? Popular name statistics? We'll find them all.
What Trips Us Up
Over-optimization: There's no perfect name the way there's a 'right' algorithm. We'll spend forever trying to optimize for metrics that don't matter.
Uniqueness obsession: Unique variable names are good. Unique baby names might burden your child with a lifetime of spelling corrections.
Analysis paralysis: We can research forever without deciding. At some point, you have to ship the baby with a name, ready or not.
Treating names like technical problems: Baby naming involves emotions, family dynamics, and aesthetic judgment. It's not a system design doc.
Applying Code Review Principles
Some dev practices translate surprisingly well.
Readability First
In code: names should be readable at a glance.
In babies: names should be pronounceable and spellable without explanation.
'createUserAccountWithDefaultSettings()' is clear but verbose. 'cUAWDS()' is short but unreadable. 'createAccount()' balances both. Apply the same logic: Beauxregard is verbose, Bo is unclear, Benjamin hits the sweet spot.
Avoid Magic Values
In code: don't use unexplained constants.
In babies: choose names with meaning you can explain.
'42' in code needs a comment. A name should have a story—family connection, meaning you love, sound that moved you. When your child asks why they got their name, 'it was #7 on a popularity list' is the equivalent of an unexplained magic number.
Consider the Interface
In code: how will others interact with this?
In babies: how will teachers, doctors, and friends use this name?
A name that works in your family might fail at interfaces with the outside world. Will the pediatrician pronounce it? Will substitute teachers? Will the TSA agent at security? Test the name against real-world API calls.
Don't Break Backwards Compatibility
In code: new code shouldn't break existing systems.
In babies: new names shouldn't clash with existing family dynamics.
Naming your child after your mother while your partner's mother goes unrecognized creates family bugs. Consider the existing family namespace before introducing new entries.
Tech-Inspired Names That Actually Work
Names with tech connections that don't scream 'my parents are nerds.'
Classic Names With Tech Resonance
- Ada - Lovelace, the first programmer. Classic name, legendary connection.
- Grace - Hopper, COBOL creator. Virtue name with computing history.
- Alan - Turing, computation pioneer. Traditional name, revolutionary figure.
- Charles - Babbage, computing father. Royal classic, analytical engine inventor.
- Margaret - Hamilton, Apollo code. Classic name, software engineering pioneer.
- Dennis - Ritchie, C creator. Traditional, foundational.
- Linus - Torvalds, Linux. Peanuts association provides cover.
Science and Math Names
- Maxwell - Equations. Strong name, physics connection.
- Newton - Laws. Surname-as-first-name trend compatible.
- Blaise - Pascal. French elegance, mathematician honor.
- Leonhard - Euler. German classic, mathematical genius.
- Emmy - Noether. Mathematician, nickname-ready.
- Sophie - Germain. Number theorist, classic name.
Subtle Tech References
- Clover - Unix good luck symbol, nature name cover.
- Ruby - Programming language, but also gemstone.
- Amber - CSS color, but also fossilized tree resin.
- Sterling - JSON library, but also quality.
- Sage - Math software, but also herb.
Names to Avoid (Common Tech Pitfalls)
Don't do these. Please.
Programming Language Names
- Java - Just... don't.
- Python - Your child isn't a snake or a script.
- Perl - One more reason people will think Perl is dead.
- Rust - Sounds like a side effect, not a person.
- Go - 'Go, come here!' doesn't work.
- Swift - Unless Taylor Swift is your reason.
Tech Company Names
- Google - Please. No.
- Apple - Gwyneth already ruined this.
- Tesla - Actually a valid surname... but still risky.
- Oracle - Your child isn't a database.
- Amazon - Mythological, but corporate now.
Concepts That Aren't Names
- Algorithm - Not a name anywhere.
- Binary - Gender implications aside, just no.
- Cache - 'This is my son, Cache.' No.
- Boolean - Nobody should be named Boolean.
- Kernel - Popcorn or operating system, neither is a baby name.
The Too-Clever Names
- Null - Will break forms worldwide.
- Root - Security implications make this risky.
- Sudo - 'Sudo, clean your room!' won't work.
- Dev - Not short for anything, just... Dev.
- Admin - Your child isn't a dashboard login.
The Data-Driven Approach
Using analytics appropriately (and when to stop).
Useful Data
Popularity trends: SSA data shows name trajectories. Rising names might become overused. Falling names might feel dated. Peak names are everywhere right now.
Sound analysis: Names starting with vowels are rising. Two-syllable names dominate. Ending sounds affect perception.
Letter frequency: Names with 'a' sounds test well for likability. Hard consonants suggest strength. This is actual research.
The Spreadsheet Temptation
You will want to create a spreadsheet scoring names on multiple criteria. I did this. My spreadsheet had: meaning score, uniqueness score, popularity trajectory, nickname potential, sibling compatibility, and cultural representation. The top-scoring name? One neither of us actually liked.
Data can inform but can't decide. Your emotional response to a name matters more than its algorithmic score.
A/B Testing Doesn't Work
You can't A/B test baby names. You can't serve 50% of visitors 'Oliver' and 50% 'Theodore' and measure conversion. You can ask friends for opinions, but they're biased and inconsistent. At some point, you have to ship without data validation.
When to Stop Analyzing
Set a deadline. 'We will decide by [date].' After that, no new research. The marginal value of additional data approaches zero quickly. Your 50th hour of research won't improve on your 10th.
When Analysis Fails
Embracing the non-analytical aspects of naming.
The Emotional Veto
Your partner hates a name. No data will change this. No evidence that 'Margaret is trending upward' will overcome 'Margaret reminds me of my terrible aunt.' Emotions veto data.
The 'It Just Feels Right' Factor
Some names feel right for reasons you can't articulate. They don't score highest on your spreadsheet, but when you imagine calling them across a room, they work. Trust this. Humans have been naming babies without spreadsheets for millennia.
The Meeting-the-Baby Moment
Some parents change their minds at birth. The baby arrives and doesn't 'look like' the chosen name. This isn't logical. It's human. Leave room for it.
The Acceptance of Imperfection
No name is perfect. Every name has drawbacks—popularity concerns, spelling issues, potential nicknames you don't love. Perfect is the enemy of good. Ship a good name. Your child will make it perfect by being themselves.
Frequently Asked Questions
Q1: Should I name my kid after a programming language?
No. Hard no. Ruby is acceptable because it's a gemstone name that predates the language. But naming your child 'Python' or 'Rust' is naming them after tools, not people. Would you name your child 'Hammer' or 'Screwdriver'? Same logic applies.
Q2: Are 'algorithm names' weird?
Depends what you mean. 'Dijkstra' as a first name? Weird. 'Theodore' because you admire Ted Nelson? Normal. Honor the people behind algorithms, not the algorithms themselves. 'This is my daughter, QuickSort' doesn't work.
Q3: How do I convince my non-tech partner that Ada is a normal name?
Don't lead with Lovelace. Lead with: 'Ada is a beautiful classic name meaning nobility.' Once they like the sound, mention the computing connection as a bonus. The tech history is a feature, not the main selling point.
Q4: What about naming after open-source projects?
Only if the name works independently. 'Linus' works because it's a real name with Peanuts cover. 'Kubernetes' does not work because it's not a human name. Ask: 'Would this name work if the project didn't exist?' If yes, proceed. If no, don't.
Q5: My partner thinks all tech names are nerdy. Help?
Choose names where the tech connection is invisible unless mentioned. Grace is a virtue name. Margaret is a classic. Ada is vintage elegant. The tech heroes behind these names are a secret layer of meaning—they don't define the name for everyone else.
Shipping the Name
Here's what I learned: my daughter's name doesn't have a tech connection. We considered Ada (too obviously nerdy for my wife), Grace (too common in our area), and Margaret (didn't like the nicknames). We ended up with something that had nothing to do with computing.
And that's fine. The name isn't for my professional identity—it's for her. She'll develop her own interests, her own career, her own relationship with her name. My job was to give her something that would serve her well, not something that expressed my tech industry membership.
Use your analytical skills to eliminate bad options. Use research to understand trends. Use systematic thinking to evaluate criteria. But when it comes time to decide, let the analysis go. Pick a name you love. Ship it. No rollbacks available.
Find your production-ready name on SoulSeed—no bugs guaranteed.*
*Bugs not actually guaranteed. Names may contain unexpected issues in production environments.
